20 Something

“That’s me. Ms 20 Something”

My birthday recently passed. I’m officially 29. Sagg life!! Woot woot right? Ehhh not really.

Before MG, my birthdays were always lit. It’s always been my philosophy that birthdays are a free pass to be totally narcissistic (who doesn’t love that?). I planned trips, threw parties, turned up for the majority of the month. Post diagnosis, my birthdays have been more whomp whomp than woot woot.

Last year I didn’t plan anything. I didn’t really feel up to doing anything. My plan was to hide from the world as I was still trying to adjust to all the changes. This year I was fully prepared to do the same. Sit in the house in my bonnet and binge watch Netflix. Not because I felt bad. Physically, my MG symptoms were at bay. It was more of an anxiety about getting a year older and not being in control the way that I’ve grown accustomed.  It’s a feeling I most accurately relate to a second puberty.

When I say puberty no I’m not sprouting a new pair of boobs. I mean in the sense of changes. The levels of changes are so high right now, it’s hard trying to figure out how to navigate it all or even see where my new lane is. I honestly haven’t felt this out of sorts since puberty. It’s like so many things are changing yet they are staying the same. Oxymoron I know. But hear me out before you classify me as crazy.

Physically I’m adjusting to the changes within my body. You can read all about the symptoms of MG here. I’ll just be chilling minding my business and get hit with a symptom. The exhaustion I feel doing simple tasks such as walking up the stairs in my own home is indescribable. So I’m constantly making changes to my daily regimens to accommodate my symptoms, the medications and the effects the medications have on my body. This means having to do things that I didn’t have to before or not being able to do things that I used to do (AKA a big INCONVENIENCE).

As a young lady, one day it’s perfectly fine to run around the house bare chest and then all of a sudden you have to cover up. Or maybe adjusting to adding things to the daily routine like wearing deodorant to get them pits from stanking. Let me just use this as a moment to say you don’t want to be that chick smelling like french onion soup or a steak n cheese with everything on it so hit them hotspots ladies Mmmkay!! I digress.

The physical changes have led to changes mentally and emotionally. Frankly speaking I’m a nut case. Between having to consciously aware of all these changes and overthinking everything, not being in control has me spiraling out of control. The frustrations of the bad days and setbacks followed by the pure elation of good days and new accomplishments. It’s a roller coaster mentally and emotionally. If no one told you, let me tell you ROID RAGE is REAL!!! You’re in a heightened state. Like a ticking time bomb and anything is liable to set you off.

I even get annoyed by my own damn self. That’s a whole new level of irritation. I literally give myself pep talks and affirmations and talk myself off the ledge throughout the day. I have to.  Otherwise, I would never leave my house.

During puberty a young lady’s hormones are all of the place. The flux of hormones causes the emotional and mental distress. She’s moody, insecure and there’s nothing she can do to control it no matter how hard she may try.

Thanks to the mental, emotional and physical changes, I find myself socially I’ve withdrawn. Not that I was ever this social butterfly or Ms Congeniality by any means but my MG puberty has only exacerbated my hermit life. If you see me outside my home, it’s a rarity. In the most recent months I’ve gotten tremendously better at pushing myself outside the walls of my home or to engage more. But when I do step out, it’s a tad awkward and I tend to wish I hadn’t.

I’m sure that my friends don’t mean to make me feel like an outsider and it’s not my intention to fall back from them. We just are in different places in our lives and can’t relate. I can’t fully comprehend the life of my healthy married mom friends because that’s not the life I live just as they can’t comprehend my life with MG.

There’s probably never a time more awkward and lonely than those puberty years. You feel like an outcast, unable to fit in. It’s hard to find someone who you can really relate to until you figure out who are you are and buildup that confidence.

All that to say that I have officially entered and embraced my second puberty. I’ve always been a late bloomer so I’m not surprised that it’s decided to happen during my late 20s. These are times of chaos, changes, confusion, frustration, insecurity and uncertainty but most importantly growth and development. On the other side of puberty is maturity. So either I’m leveling up or this is some sick twisted cosmic joke.

I can already see that It’s forcing me to learn how to turn disarray into order. I’m learning to be confident again and to be my own biggest, loudest cheerleader; how to be ok with not having control and living in the moment; how to still shine in a room full of people even when I feel like darkness.

I survived puberty once and I’ll do it again. Can’t wait to see the new mature me that’s on the other side. Hope it comes with my first puberty’s metabolism and baby soft skin.

(P.s – I didn’t spend my birthday as a hobbit. Get yourself a good support system that will lift you up and drag you out. People who feel you’re worth celebrating even if you don’t feel it yourself. Everyone needs it.

Oh – and if you haven’t listened to Sza’s CTRL album, do yourself a favor and listen. It’s amazing!!)

Morg the Sagg 

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