Sorry for Being Sick

Sorry for Being Sick

I’ve cancelled all of my plans for the rest of the month with my friends. These are events that I’ve had planned for a while. PSA: I’m not a flaky person. When I agreed to go, I had every intention of doing so. However these past couple of weeks since I’ve returned from Vegas I’ve been feeling “off”. My migraines are back. My insomnia is back. I feel very tired. My arms and legs are heavy and tingling. So I decided to cancel my plans. Sorry for being sick friends. Instead of pushing myself, I did the adult thing. I was honest with myself and them. I won’t be able to go because I’m not feeling well and need to rest. As I told them the news I found myself about to say “sorry”. I quickly popped that thought bubble. Why am I apologizing? Essentially I’m apologizing for being sick. In the past I’ve pushed myself to participate in things because I don’t want to let others down. In turn I’m letting myself down. I’d go to the event, have a horrible time because I’m not feeling well and then spend the next few weeks to a month in a flare up or recovering from a crisis. In the rare occasions when I would boss up and cancel the plans, I’d make up some excuse other than the truth. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t think people believe me when I say I’m not feeling well because myasthenia gravis is an invisible illness or if I am ashamed that I’m allowing my MG to control my life or what it is. (I’ll unpack that another day). The beauty and the beast of MG (and probably other autoimmune diseases) is that I never know how I’m going to feel in the near or distant future. I could be perfectly fine when I wake up and by the end of the day be in a full crisis. It may not make sense to someone else to cancel plans for Sunday based on how I feel on Tuesday. But it does to me. That’s all that matters. As I’ve moved in the acceptance phase of my diagnosis I no longer feel the need to hide what’s going on with me. I’ve earned the right to respect myself and my body’s needs. For better or worse, I’ve only got one so I need to listen to it and take care of it as much as I can. So no I’m not going to apologize for having MG or canceling plans. If someone can’t understand then that’s their problem not mine. I’m not sorry for being sick. I’m sorry you don’t understand what I’m going through “friend”. Restfully yours,

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